I handed my youngest a granola bar yesterday without looking up from my laptop. He snatched it and disappeared.
Ten minutes later, I asked him for a favor: "Could you grab me a water bottle from the fridge?"
He didn't just get it; he delivered it with both hands, a grin, and a lingering question: "Do you need anything else, Dad?" Same kid, ten minutes apart, but the energy had shifted from transactional to transformational.
It made me realize that when I was just giving him snacks, I was an ATM. But when I asked him for help, I became a partner.
This was a concept I hadn’t really thought about in along time: We don't actually build connection by doing things for people; we build it by allowing them to do things for us.
It turns out, there is a psychological reason why being the "helper" makes us feel more bonded to the "helped."
When someone does you a favor, even a tiny one, their brain has to make sense of why they helped you. The easiest explanation is that they must like you. Our minds need our actions and our feelings to line up, so if we do something kind for someone, we adjust our attitude to match.
Psychologists call this the Benjamin Franklin effect, a form of cognitive dissonance where doing someone a favor leads us to like them more to align our actions with our feelings.
Evidently the effect is so reliable that it works even when people know what you're doing.
The act of helping creates the feeling, not the other way around.
What got me thinking is how this plays out in the marketplace. We're surrounded by brands constantly trying to give us things: discounts, free trials, bonus content. But the ones that actually build loyalty ask for something small first.
A quick survey, a product photo, a preference setting.
When people contribute even a small favor, they tend to like the person or brand more because their brain rationalizes their helpful action by concluding they must have positive feelings.
I see this with clients too. The ones who ask me questions, send me screenshots of problems they're trying to solve, request my input on decisions, those relationships feel different. Stronger, maybe.
It's not because I'm doing more work for them. It's because they're involving me in small ways that make me feel like we're on the same team.
Here's what I'm going to try today before shutting down for the weekend. I'm going to ask my team for more small favors instead of just managing everything myself. Not tasks disguised as favors, actual little things where I genuinely need help.
I'm already thinking about how to make next week smoother, and this feels like a better approach than just trying to keep everyone happy and chugging along.
If you're managing a team or working with clients, try asking for small input before you pitch the big idea. "Could you tell me what your biggest frustration with this process is?" or "Would you mind taking two minutes to walk me through how you currently do this?" The act of contributing makes people feel more connected to whatever comes next.
And if you're drowning in decision fatigue from subscriptions and digital noise, pay attention to which companies are asking you to do small things versus just throwing offers at you.
The ones asking for your input, your preferences, your feedback, those are the ones building actual relationship equity. The ones just shouting deals are treating you like a transaction.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.