Picture this: You're sneaking peeks at your partner's phone while they're in the shower. You're nodding along to your best friend's heartfelt story, but inside, you're hard at work scripting your reply. You're listening to your parent's advice... while discreetly scrolling notifications under the table.
These moments feel like real connection (shared space, shared time) but too often we're only half there. Physically present, mentally miles away.
This is what happens when we slip into "shallow mode" in our relationships: bodies together, attention scattered.
The concept of deep work versus shallow work originally described professional focus, but it also maps onto how we show up in relationships.
Deep relational work means giving someone your full cognitive attention: no phone nearby, no mental multitasking, genuinely processing what they're saying. Shallow relational work is everything else: the distracted conversations, the surface-level check-ins, the interactions we could replicate on autopilot.
Here's what makes this tricky: we tend to underestimate how much shallow mode dominates our relationships. I’ve heard it said that in throughout the work day, people get interrupted roughly every three minutes. That fragmented attention doesn't magically disappear when we come home. We bring that same scattered presence to dinner conversations and bedtime routines.
The stakes matter because deep focus appears to be linked to better quality output and greater satisfaction, and that applies to relationships too. The ten-minute conversation where you're fully present creates more connection than an hour of distracted coexistence. Your partner remembers the moment you put your phone in another room and actually listened. Your kid notices when you're not glancing at your watch.
The good news is that switching from shallow to deep mode in our relationships isn't about being perfect, it's about being intentional. These small shifts turn ordinary moments into the kind of deep relational work that builds lasting bonds.
Start by scheduling deep relational work the same way you'd block calendar time. Tell your partner: "I want to give you my full attention for 20 minutes, can we talk now?" Put your phone in a drawer. Sit facing them. When your mind wanders to your to-do list, notice it and redirect.
Try "deep listening" with one person this week. Don't plan your response while they're talking. Don't offer solutions unless asked. Just absorb what they're saying like you're studying for a test on their inner world.
Create shallow-work boundaries too. It's fine to have distracted time together - watching TV, doing dishes side-by-side—but label it honestly. The problem isn't shallow connection existing; it's mistaking it for the deep kind.
We often assume presence is binary. Either we're there or we're not. But attention has depth, and our relationships can tell the difference.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.