You had a rough argument with your partner last night.
It lasted maybe forty minutes. Some of it was you talking past each other, some of it got heated, there was that one moment where you said something sharper than you meant to.
But then you both took a breath.
You apologized. They apologized. You sat on the couch together for a few minutes in silence, and then one of you made a dumb joke and the other one laughed, and you went to bed okay.
This morning, when you think back on it, the fight doesn't feel that bad. A little uncomfortable, sure, but… manageable.
Honestly, kind of fine.
The interesting thing is if that same argument had ended with one of you walking out or going to bed angry, you'd remember the whole thing as a disaster.
Same words. Same conflict. Completely different memory.
That's the peak-end rule. Our brains don't average out experiences, they judge them almost entirely by the most intense moment (the peak) and how they ended.
The middle and the duration become mostly irrelevant to how we remember it.
Research on couples' conflict discussions found that the most intense emotions during an argument — both negative and positive peaks — were the strongest predictors of how partners remembered the conflict overall.
These peaks are what truly stick in our memory of a fight, shaping how we feel about it immediately after and even later on.
This isn't just about arguments, it's how we remember entire visits with family, long conversations with friends, even whole relationships. We think we're remembering the full picture, but we're really remembering two data points and filling in the rest.
The thing is, the end of an experience carries an outsized influence on memory - a principle that helps explain how we file away significant life events and transitions.
When it comes to daily interactions, how you wrap up a tense dinner with your parents or close out a hard conversation with a friend may help reshape the entire experience in retrospect.
Which means we have more control over what sticks than we realize.
If you're mid-week and noticing tension with someone close to you, pay attention to how interactions are ending. Not in a performative way, just notice.
Did you leave things hanging? Did you end on a sigh or an eye roll? Even a small gesture at the end (a hand squeeze, a "love you," a genuine "we're good") can change what your brain files away.
Don't let the peak be the last word. If a conversation gets heated, let it cool before you walk away. You don't need to resolve everything, you just need to not end on the worst moment.
A two-minute cooldown can be the difference between remembering a fight as brutal and remembering it as hard but okay.
Use this for the good stuff too.
If you're spending time with someone you care about, the goodbye matters more than you think. Don't rush it. Don't let the last five minutes be distracted or perfunctory.
That's what they'll remember.
We can't control how intense things get. But we can shape how they end, and that's most of what sticks.
What's one relationship interaction you remember more negatively (or positively) than it probably deserved, just because of how it ended?
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.