There are times in our relationships when we know exactly what we want to do differently - be more present, make more time, listen more closely - but somehow the follow-through slips through the cracks.
Not because we don’t care, but because translating good intentions into real action is harder than it looks.
This is where implementation intentions come in: a deceptively simple planning strategy that bridges intention and action.
Instead of vague relationship goals like "be more present" or "communicate better," you create specific if-then plans: "If it's Tuesday evening, then I'll put my phone in the drawer during dinner" or "If my partner seems stressed after work, then I'll ask 'Want to talk or want a distraction?'"
The format matters because it removes the mental work of deciding in the moment.
Many psychological sources note that people who use specific if-then plans may be more likely to follow through on their goals compared to those who only set general intentions. We’re essentially pre-loading our response to a situation, so when Tuesday evening arrives or the person we care about walks in looking frazzled, we don't have to think, we just act.
In relationships, this plays out in surprisingly powerful ways. A review of studies found that using implementation intentions is linked to better success in reaching goals, and the relationship context is no exception.
The strategy works because it helps us start new patterns and protects them from the usual distractions - your phone, work stress, simple forgetfulness.
Here's how we can leverage this: Pick one specific relationship goal that matters right now. Maybe it's checking in more consistently, being less defensive during disagreements, or making time for actual conversations instead of logistics.
Now build your if-then plan. If your partner brings up something difficult, then you'll take three breaths before responding. If it's Saturday morning, then you'll ask about their week before launching into your own. If you feel yourself getting defensive, then you'll say "Let me think about that" instead of immediately countering.
The key is making the "if" part concrete. A specific time, place, or trigger you’ll actually encounter. And the "then" part should be a clear action you can take immediately, not another vague intention.
Start with one plan and actually use it for a week. You might notice that the relationship changes you've been meaning to make suddenly feel less like willpower battles and more like automatic responses.
Of course, every relationship is different, but having a clear trigger and response tends to make follow-through dramatically easier.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.