Have you ever met someone new and within thirty seconds your brain has already written their character sketch.
Yoga instructor? Probably calm, grounded, likely owns a reusable water bottle. Maybe vegan?
Finance job? Sharp, driven, maybe emotionally unavailable.
We're matching people to mental templates before we've learned anything real about them.
This snap judgment happens because we rely on what psychologists call the representativeness heuristic. The APA defines this as our tendency to judge someone based on how closely they match our mental prototype of a category.
When someone fits our stereotype of "artist" or "engineer" or "free spirit," we assume they'll have all the other traits we associate with that category.
In relationships, this mental shortcut can create real problems.
We meet someone who reminds us of an ex (maybe they have the same dry sense of humor or similar career ambitions) and we start expecting them to behave the same way. We overlook the actual person in front of us because we're too busy comparing them to our mental template.
The heuristic also works in reverse. When our partner does something that doesn't fit our mental model of "good partner" or "loving person," we might overreact.
They forget an anniversary, and suddenly we're questioning the entire relationship because "someone who really cared wouldn't forget."
We're judging a single action against an idealized prototype rather than considering the full context of who they are.
According to the Decision Lab, this mental shortcut often causes us to overlook important information when making judgments.
In dating and friendships, we might dismiss someone great because they don't match our mental image of "my type," or we might pursue someone who fits the template perfectly but is actually wrong for us in every practical way.
Here's how to use this:
When you're forming first impressions - whether it's a first date, meeting your partner's family, or getting to know a new friend - pause before you categorize.
Notice when you're thinking "they seem like the kind of person who…" and ask yourself what actual evidence you have beyond surface similarities.
Try this in existing relationships: When your partner does something that surprises or disappoints you, resist the urge to measure it against your mental prototype of how they "should" act.
Instead, get curious about the specific circumstances. Maybe they forgot your birthday not because they don't care (your prototype of "bad partner") but because they're overwhelmed at work.
You can also use this awareness when dating. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to the same "type," ask whether you're chasing a mental template or actually evaluating compatibility.
Your ideal partner might not fit your prototype at all.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.