Your partner says they'll "think about it" when you suggest trying that new restaurant downtown. Your friend responds with "sounds good" to your weekend plans but never commits to a time. Your mom texts back "we'll see" when you ask about visiting for the holidays.
Sometimes you're getting the brush-off. But sometimes the person genuinely needs to process what you're saying, and the way you're presenting your case determines which route their brain takes.
The elaboration likelihood model suggests we process persuasive messages through two distinct pathways.
The central route involves careful thinking about the actual arguments and details.
The peripheral route relies on surface-level cues like tone, timing, or how the other person feels about you in that moment.
In relationships, this matters because you're constantly trying to influence the people you care about. Not in a manipulative way, just in the normal "let's figure out our lives together" way. Where should we eat? Should we move in together? Can you pick up milk on the way home?
When someone has the mental bandwidth and motivation to engage deeply, they'll process through the central route. They'll weigh your reasons, consider the implications, think through the logistics.
This leads to more lasting attitude changes because the person has genuinely worked through the idea.
But when they're tired, distracted, or just not that invested in the decision, they default to the peripheral route. Now they're responding to how you asked, not what you asked. Your tone matters more than your logic.
Here's how to leverage this in your day-to-day life: Before you bring up something important with your partner or family member, ask yourself if they have the headspace for it.
If your partner just got home from a brutal day at work, pitching a detailed vacation plan will hit the peripheral route. They'll react to your enthusiasm (or lack of it) rather than actually considering the destination.
Save the substantive conversations for when both of you are mentally present. Sunday morning coffee, not Tuesday evening chaos. And when you do make your case, lead with your strongest point, not a preamble. "I think we should visit your parents next month because it's been six months and they mentioned feeling disconnected" works better than a long windup about family obligations.
For smaller decisions where you don't need deep buy-in, lean into the peripheral route.
Keep it light, make it easy to say yes, don't overload them with options. "Want to try that Thai place tonight?" beats "So I've been researching restaurants and found seven options, here are the pros and cons of each…"
The shift happens when you stop treating every conversation like it deserves the same level of processing and start matching your approach to the other person's capacity in that moment.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.