You're scrolling through a close friend's social media, seeing their partner surprise them with flowers again, and you feel that familiar sting about your own relationship.
Another anniversary post. Another "grateful for this one" caption. Another couple that seems to have figured out what you're still struggling with.
Your partner forgot to text back today. Again. And now you're cataloging every missed moment, every small disappointment, building a case that maybe you're settling.
Maybe everyone else got the memo on how relationships are supposed to work.
Here's what you're not seeing: the three couples who broke up this year aren't posting.
The friend whose partner looks perfect online but hasn't touched them in months isn't sharing that story.
The relationships that imploded spectacularly have vanished from your feed entirely.
This is Survivorship Bias in its most intimate form. The concept of Survivorship Bias, as explored in articles like this one from Scientific American, highlights how focusing on visible successes can obscure critical information from failures.
The concept was famously illustrated by a thought experiment involving a 'stock-picking trick'. Imagine a stock advisor who sends out predictions to thousands of people. By consistently sending correct predictions to a shrinking group of 'survivors' (those who received only correct predictions), the advisor can appear incredibly accurate, even if their initial predictions were random.
The critical insight is that you only see the 'winners', the predictions that came true, and not the vast majority of 'failures' that were sent to others.
We do the same thing with relationships. We study the survivors - the couples still together, still posting, still visible - and drawing conclusions about what "healthy" looks like. B
But research on survivorship bias reveals that focusing only on successful outcomes while ignoring failures creates a fundamentally distorted view of reality.
The couples who broke up - they're not in your data set anymore.
The relationships that looked perfect until they didn't - deleted from the archive.
We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel, but it's worse than that.
We’re comparing our reality to a pre-filtered sample that has systematically eliminated all the contradictory evidence.
This is when we do the fatal comparison check. We look around at what's working for others and use it as a mirror for what's broken in us.
But here's the evolutionary context: Our brains are wired to learn from success.
For most of human history, watching who thrived and copying them kept us alive. See which plants the healthy people eat. Notice which strategies the successful hunters use.
Pattern-match your way to survival.
The problem is that same mechanism backfires in an environment where failures disappear. When unsuccessful relationships quietly exit our field of vision - unfollowed, unfriended, no longer mentioned - our brain doesn't register them as data. It registers the survivors as "normal" and our struggles as aberrant.
We’re not failing, we’re comparing ourselves to a sample that has already excluded everyone who faced what we’re facing.
THE FLIP:
First: Audit the invisible. Right now, mentally list three relationships you knew about two years ago that no longer exist. Not to gossip but to remember.
Those relationships had good moments too. They had anniversary posts and flowers and moments that looked perfect from the outside. They're not around anymore to provide the counterpoint to your current comparison.
Second: Reverse the lens. Ask yourself what someone else would see if they only looked at the best 10% of your relationship. The laugh last Tuesday. The way your partner brings you coffee without asking. The text thread from last month that made you smile.
Now ask: if that's all someone saw, would they feel inadequate comparing their reality to your highlight reel?
Third: Redefine the data set. Before you shut down for the day, write down one thing that's actually working in your relationship.
Not Instagram-worthy. Just real. You're not trying to convince yourself everything is perfect. You're trying to stop using a biased sample as your measuring stick.
The goal is accuracy, not optimism.
You may find you stop arguing with ghosts. The couples you were comparing yourself to aren't your competition, they're just the ones still visible.
Your relationship doesn't have to look like theirs to be worth staying in. And the doubt you've been carrying might not be about what's broken. It might be about what you're not seeing.
You're not behind. You're just looking at survivors and calling it the whole story.
Did this resonate with you? Forward it on to someone who could use it too. These insights are better when shared.
Cheers,
Alex
Disclaimer: I'm a curious researcher, not a licensed psychologist. I study these concepts because I believe understanding how our minds work can help us navigate life more effectively. This content is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. Please consult qualified professionals for personal guidance. Individual results may vary, and readers should use their own judgment when applying these concepts.